Grey Today

I want my pat-down!

by Grey Brendle

Well, Big Sis Janet is in the news again. This time for easing some of the TSA’s airport check-in policies. After alienating half the population with invasive “pat-downs” of travelers from three-year-olds to ninety-three-year-olds and everyone in between, it comes a little too late for many.

To me all parties, the TSA, the administration and the airlines for not resisting, have been going about this “check-in” fiasco all wrong. As with anything else in life, give the people what they want and connect it to money. And, there will be a winner.

TSA should hire many young, good-looking women and, let’s be gender fair, men, to do this job. Then, offer the passenger the option to pick who they want to “pat” them down. Visualize it. You arrive to the boarding area and there are these good looking people lined up for selection.

Not unlike The Bunny Ranch or Mustang Ranch in Nevada, where the young women come out to greet a new customer. I know this from seeing all the documentaries shown on TV. That’s the truth! I promise. And, the Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton movie The Best Little (you know) In Texas. The attractive people line up and put their best smile forward, and anything else forward that would help, in hopes of being selected. Not unlike a pet shop window with puppies in a cage all being so cute saying, “pick me, pick me.”

The TSA could pay minimum wage and with signs, and word of mouth, indicate the screeners work for tips. They ready themselves for the profitable workday at hand. Sorry, but hand is the only word that works here.

Just like a restaurant where the wait staff, the one’s who are smart, go about pleasing you for a better tip, the check-in “patters” work to please you.

With this scene in place the mind fairly races with possible situations. Take Governor Sanford. He might not have taken all those trips to Argentina. He could have just flown to Charleston and back. There would have been two pat downs coming and the money would stay in the state.

Maybe a person doesn’t have an opportunity at home to experience, say, being with a different hairstyle. Home might be short; in the airport line-up there is a striking young lady with long blond hair. Who knows? I’m just saying. And, being gender fair again, home might be a crew cut. In the line might be a Fabio-like hair. Well, you know. It’s right there. So, why not?

The airport might have to put in a smoking area and more screens. Many people go through security to see someone off. Someone who is lonely might just go through the process, with no one to wish bon voyage. Vendors along the way would get increased business. Travelers who usually choose to drive a few hours might opt for the very “personal” new service offered by air travel. In fact, I see new business all around. The best news for the travel industry, hands down. Sorry, again.

The title is a play on words from the HBO now famous “I want my HBO” ad campaign that got them started about 1972. HBO founder Charles Dolan set the tone for promotion that has been copied ever since. He enlisted an army of people to call their local cable provider and say the infamous line. So, if we “want our pat-down,” we should call.

If there is even one person who misunderstands, this is satire. It is a joke. Often, the way to point out absurdity is to be absurd. These pat downs have not caught even one terrorist.

I’ll end with this. Each word selected very carefully. What if someone had a long held fantasy? With no expectation of every exercising it. And this person was at the airport early. And, money in their pocket for two tips. Who says there has to be just one “patter downer” at a time?

Grey Brendle is a retired businessman. He moved to Beaufort in 2007 with his wife Lisa, and claims a new found home town. He has written for newspapers in Florida and South Carolina.

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